My daughter has completely melted me.
Beyond even the usual new-baby-new-daddy, falling in Love, “Oh my Lord she’s SOOOO cute!!!” meltingness and overwhelming pride at the fruit of my loins, this radiant Light Melissa and I have created in Love, a deeper, more powerful current has swiftly eroded the ground beneath my feet… ground this ego desperately clung to… things I did not bring with me, and cannot take with me when I leave… illusory, holographic foundations that serve no purpose but to bookmark a distance between those I Love and those I long to Love…
My daughter has utterly humbled me.
I find myself breaking into tears— weeping— at every little thing now…
Has Life always been this… beautiful??
Have I honestly spent 32 years focused on myself, when cherishing another so easily brings… this??
How did I end up with such a wonderful, perfect and healthy family and home, with all that I’ve been through, all that I’ve… done??
What Grace and Mercy has been bestowed upon Me by this bewildering Universe??
In just one week’s time, my daughter has obliterated every last defense my ego and selfishness fought for… identified with… insisted it needed to make me Me… In her existence of simple basics, she has shown what pure JOY arises in giving oneself for another, for no other reason but Love… she has taught that letting go is NOT a losing of oneself, but a merging… there really is no seperation between me and my daughter… between me and her mother, my Lover, my Half… between me and… YOU… there are no lines defining “this is Me” and “this is You” as the Mind’s antics project…
When you hurt, I am the one who cries… when you are content, I am the one who laughs…
When my Lover gave birth to this daughter of ours… it seems something was also birthed more purely within me:
Coming from a family of eleven, my tolerance and levels of patience have always been high… but this… how am I able to not tire of holding my child for hours on end, in the middle of the night, with no sleep for myself?
How am I able to speak softly and soothingly as long as it takes when she is upset and screaming so hard her face has turned red, until she stops for half a second, long enough to realize she is, in fact, not dying, and that her daddy has her safe— when I’ve been so done, so quickly, with other children I’ve babysat, ready to hand them back over in helpless aversion?
Now I am happily content to sit for hours doing nothing but holding and cuddling this dear, sweet daughter of mine… gone are irresistable urges and needs to constantly be doing something productive for myself: painting, writing, designing, cleaning, organizing… those are all still a part of me, but Julia is showing me wisely: those things are NOT me…
And do you know in the space of one week, my little girl has managed to instill in me what I’ve spent years trying to work into myself, into my routine? No matter how hard I’ve tried, I have not been able to wake early to meditate, read, and write before starting each day… so attached to my sleep… no matter how early I went to bed the evening before… and now, after a week of little sleep— I don’t feel so bad at all! Have I been sleeping too much? Was that all pure laziness? Comforts of this humansuit? The “poison of the senses?”
This has spread beyond only my little girl, as well… I have noticed my Heart even softer toward Melissa… even gentler with our kidlets… I’ve seen more Lovingkindness and genuine Presence in myself with those around me, more care and concern, feeling them— truly feeling others!
And again, what I’ve concluded and observed in the midst of all this:
The bottom line is LOVE.
A baby will teach you things about yourself that you hardly knew was present. I know that I truly began understanding myself by being a parent. What I was capable of …. What I could do …. How far I would go to keep my children safe …. All of the things I placed importance on mattered not, when it came to keeping my children healthy and safe. She is a beautiful girl. We are lucky to have her. So very lucky.