Gentleman

“Gentle is a holy word” I wrote in my journal back in 06/2006.

Thinking back, I had clearly been going through a shift at that time.
I had been struggling to find and figure out where I was heading, what I was supposed to be doing, and how things were going to happen. Clinging to specifically desired outcomes, grasping at wanting to know all things before they happened, and receiving no answers whatsoever had left me restlessly floundering.

I had been fighting with—and disgusted with—the anger and frustration that overwhelmed me in dealing with people, particularly difficult and nasty people, and especially in working a corporate job. I knew I was supposed to look for and find the good in others and in whatever situation I found myself in, but I was finding my attachment to futures and results that did not exist yet was not the way to manifest and dream those wishes into being. “Exchanging self with others” was not a concept I could get my mind to wrap around yet, much less successfully put into practice.

I knew what I desired myself to be:
Gentle.
Kind.
Unconditionally loving.

And watching myself fall far short of those things daily only added more anger fluid to the flames I was already roasting in.

I remember the one thing I could feel in that time was myself—my future self, or at least one from a timeline I wanted to choose and bring into this timeline of reality. (These are my 2014 self’s words—I don’t think I understood or thought of realities in those terms yet at that time LOL)

When I found I could not focus on goodness around me, I found I could focus on the goodness of what I wanted to be, the man I wanted to embody.

And I remember a deer was beside me then, even before I was aware of anything shamanic or totem-y whatsoever! But there was a gentle, graceful deer with me I drew from when my outside world grew too much of a bee-swarm.

How do these things differ from the reality I find myself in these days?

I don’t find they do.
The same thing exists at every level.

As I spoke with my future self back then, my past self steps forward and speaks with me now… the names, places, and scenery has changed, but the burning and longing is the same, if not even more so when allowed to roam unchecked (See my WORLDSTORY 2013 essay)…

And my choices and core desires also remain the same:
Gentleness.
Kindness.
Unconditional love.

So… Lloyd, love? Be a deer, won’t you?
Bring me back Home now.

— . —

Gentle is a Holy Word
06.29.2006

Gentle, Gentle,
Simple and nonviolent
It wouldn’t matter what befell
If proper Vision were unveiled!

Gentle, Gentle,
Radiance majestic
Emphasizing empathizing
Imagine wings on ev’rything!

Gentle, Gentle,
Whispering to Me
One inside a vessel dearly
Opens Ear to see You clearly!

© 2006 Lloyd Matthew Thompson

 

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