I saw the train go by again today.
I remember all the times I sat at my desk and watched it roll along, wondering when it was my turn, when it would take me away…
How far I have come!
No longer do I feel misplaced, unfit, unseen… no longer do I swim in an urge to run away… no longer am I alone… no longer am I the only one of my kind!
I have LOVE— pure, unconditional, true Love. A Love that has not wavered since the moment it revealed itself, and, as a result, has completely melted a lifetime’s worth pile of conditioning, misthinking, and pain. For the first time in my life, I am safe. I am secure. I am Loved— without fear of punishment or it being held over me with threats of withdrawal!
I have CHILDREN— sweet, accepting, caring children who demonstrate to me another sort of Love I have never even imagined, much less experienced!
I have FATHERHOOD— the most humbling and beautiful experience I could have EVER asked for. The opportunity to create an environment for my family that my own father did not, and the ability to examine his actions and my childhood experience from the other side, rewriting my views and emotions surrounding it.
If such Grace is given to ME, then there is most certainly hope for you.
The mere fact you are living and breathing deserves my honor… my respect… my Love.
And how else can it be?
And now… as Melissa and I prepare to be married in the eyes of every institution… I release all before… I banish all conditioning, all treatments that do not cherish Who I Am— including actions and thoughts from myself… And I relax into the security… the wisdom… the power that is mySelf… and my Reality.
And so it is.
I used to think that way about airplanes. Reading this now. You are sick and miserable in bed. Tonight I miss you. Feel helpless. Want to make you feel better. Wish my love could heal physical illness too. Tomorrow …. I hope you feel better. But know this. I washed clothes. Cared for Julia and the kids. Made dinner. Ran to the store for chicken soup and sprite. Folded clothes. Etc. And as I performed each task .. I thought, Golly this would be better if Lloyd were here sharing it with me. Know this. As I painted, I missed you. Missed you sitting nearby or creating with me. Missed your opinion. Missed feeling you with me. And painting … Something that brings me so much joy …. Was not fun. Know this. I am sitting on the sofa now. Willing the clock to move its hands past 10:15 … so I can feed Julia and go to bed. There was a time when I SO loved quiet time … Alone time … In the evening. But now ….. it is meaningless. You are not with me. Not near. I cannot reach out for you. You are away from me. These are the thoughts that I think. I love you.